Healing
by LiseBardKimley
Summary: Behind smiling facades, not all is well. (After 13x1 "Wheels Up")
1. Chapter 1

-Pain-

"Don't think about it," She chided herself. "It wasn't real, you're fine." But was she really?

Emily shook herself and focused back on the crossword in front of her. A five letter word for 'violent protests.' She just couldn't think.

All she could remember was pain, fear, and those metal rods. Those rods sticking out of her legs.

Except, it hadn't been real. But it had seemed real and sometimes, when she woke up at night, out of breath and sweating, it felt more than real. Sometimes she wondered if this was a dream and in a few seconds she'd wake up and see Scratch's face again, only inches from hers.

No, she wouldn't. She'd seen through his facade, she's survived, she was alive, and she hadn't broken.

But sometimes it still felt all too real.

She didn't realize until she looked back down at her puzzle that she'd snapped her pencil.

-Guilt-

It was like a disease. It spreads through your system, growing no matter what you try to think to yourself, no matter what anyone says, no matter how hard you try to push it away.

It always comes back.

"Mom!" Henry called. He kicked the soccer ball and JJ had just enough reaction time to register the action and stop the ball with her foot.

"Good job," She congratulated. "Came right to me."

Henry smiled proudly.

They kicked the soccer ball around for a little while before JJ had to go inside to get dinner ready.

"He gave you the front seat. It should have been you. Stephen didn't deserve that." The voices in JJ's head wouldn't quit repeating the same things.

And the worst part was, they were right. It should have been her. Should have been her. Should have, should have-

"Ah!" JJ blinked and saw the blood starting to flow from where the knife had cut her finger. The blood was mixing with the juice of the tomato she was chopping and JJ felt her stomach squirm. Her vision tunneled and she saw Stephen Walker; Stephen in the airplane, Stephen with a gun in hand and vest strapped on, Stephen only moments before the accident. And finally, Stephen on the table, covered with a white cloth.

It should have been her.

-Breathless-

Reid pushed a palm into his eye. He was going stir crazy.

What was wrong with him? PTSS, post traumatic stress syndrome.

But putting a label on it didn't help. Maybe a few years ago it would have, Reid would have rattled off the things that help relieve the stress but now it was all different.

He needed someone but at the same time he wanted no one. It was crazy. The need for human interaction and comfort yet almost despising it at the same time, it was nearly too much for the wary genius to wrap his brain around.

-Burned-

She tried to distract herself with things. Anything. Shopping, cats, hot chocolate, movie and tv marathons, anything.

But it was still there, still burned into her memory. Every single thing that happened that night, it was still there, haunting her.

She remember the moment when she lost them, when Matt came, the minutes that crawled by as they sped down the road toward who knew what, the immense feeling of dread and total fear in her chest, the moment when her eyes fell on the crash.

She remembered jumping out of the car and barrelling toward the wreckage, only partly seeing the spikes across the road as she leapt over them, seeing Rossi, coming up to Luke and JJ and there was blood everywhere it seemed, and then-

Stephen.

Not moving, not breathing.

Not living.

She remembered the moment when she heard Luke being called away, when Rossi suddenly asked, "Where's Emily?" and everything going to pieces. JJ was borderline hysterical but keeping it hidden, Garcia could see it in her eyes; Rossi was in total agent mode and was just about forced on a gurney.

The rest of the night seemed to go by in a kind of sluggish flash; time was weirdly slow but fast.

She remembered seeing Emily after she was brought to the hospital to be checked over and the way she nearly squeezed the life out of the dark haired agent.

She remembered seeing Monica and then there was the funeral.

She remembered it all.

-Fear-

"Where's Emily?"

The feeling of dread had certainly sunk in at that moment.

After years of work in the field, Rossi was semi-used to the feeling.

But this was his family, there was something special with this team and he knew it. Heck, everyone on the team knew it, probably the people they encountered on cases knew it.

So when he'd realized someone was missing, he'd snapped a little. They'd already lost Morgan and Hotch and while Rossi was 100% supportive of both of them, he knew the team couldn't lose anyone else, he couldn't lose anyone else.

They were family and no one messed with family.

In that moment, that moment of fear and dread, he'd promised himself that Scratch was going to pay and he was going to pay big time.

No one touched his family.

-Healing-

It all started with Garcia throwing a party.

The team hadn't seen each other for about two weeks, everyone was trying to work out their own problems and pretend that they lived at least semi-normal lives.

Penelope was restless. So she made a few phone calls.

"Garcia," Emily began but the tech genius cut her off immediately.

"No buts, Emily. We are having a party at Rossi's and you are coming."

"Does Rossi know?"

There was a short silence. "He does now," Penelope confirmed.

Emily laughed. She guessed that Garcia had literally just texted the older agent.

"So you're coming?"

Emily raised her eyebrows. "I don't have a choice, do I?"

"Nope!" Garcia grinned. "I'll see you on Saturday."

Next was JJ.

"Pen," JJ sighed. "I don't know. I-"

"You are coming on Saturday and you are bringing my godson with you. And Will and Michael. There will be Cheetos."

JJ had to chuckle at that. "Penelope, I just-"

"Please, JJ,"

JJ glanced down at her hand. The bandage was still there, somehow a painful reminder of Stephen's death.

"JJ…" Garcia urged.

"I'll be there. And I'll bring the boys."

"I knew you'd come!" Garcia cried. "I'll see you on Saturday."

Now to get a hold of Reid.

"Spencer Reid."

"Hey, Spencer."

"Garcia?"

"Who else, my most fabulous, brown haired genius?"

"Well, it could be a recording or someone who sounds similar to you on the phone or-"

"That was purely a rhetorical question," Penelope was quick to put in.

"Ah, I see."

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

"Uh, I-"

"Good, we're all meeting at Rossi's at two."

Reid was a little taken aback at first though knowing Garcia he probably shouldn't have been so surprised.

"You'll be there, right?"

"Um…"

"Everyone's going to be there."

Reid weighed his options. It was either say yes now or wait for Garcia to kick down his door and say yes then. "I'll be there, Garcia."

"Good!"

Penelope called Rossi last. He hadn't answered her text about having the party at his house yet.

"Hello, Rossi," Garcia chirped before the man could even utter a greeting.

"Hello, Penelope."

"Did you get my text?"

"I just saw it."

"Well?"

"Well," Rossi paused a moment. Honestly, he was a little excited for it. He needed to see everyone in one place. See them all safe. "I've been thinking we needed a little get together."

Garcia squealed. "Excellent! I told everyone to meet at two."

"Sounds perfect."

"See you on Saturday, Rossi."

"See you then."

And now they were here. There was table decked out with food (including JJ's Cheetos) and Garcia had made sure there were a few yard games. Henry was showing Luke and Matt how well he could play soccer, his parents watching happily.

"I'm going to go get some more soda," Rossi said.

"I'll help," Reid was quick to volunteer. He hurried into the house after the older agent.

Emily smiled, looking around at the team. Where was JJ? Probably inside. Emily decided to go inside and ask Rossi about more food.

Garcia saw her favorite dark haired female agent head inside and, deciding she didn't want to be left out of the fun, excused herself from talking to Tara and Will, and headed inside.

JJ was heading back outside, going through the kitchen, when she saw Rossi and Reid juggling several soda bottles.

"Here," She took two of the bottles from Reid's arms. She winced a little, one of the bottles had grazed the cut on her hand which was still tender.

"You okay?" Reid asked.

"Yeah, it's just a little cut." JJ assured him.

"I don't think he's talking about the cut," Rossi interjected.

JJ raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"You haven't been your normal self today," Rossi explained. "You merely watched while a soccer ball was being kicked around in front of you."

"Everyone has off days," JJ defended her actions calmly though her heart was beating madly now.

"Henry said you've been acting differently at home," Emily said, coming up behind the three.

JJ spun to face the other agent. "It's different being home all the time." She retorted, sounding a little harsher than she'd meant it to be.

"JJ," Reid started. "It's okay to be feeling differently after the crash. The incident is probably burned into your memory and-"

JJ's face hardened. "So you're doing any better?"

There was silence.

"I-" Reid began.

"Well, I was not expecting any of that," Garcia stood just inside the doorway. The four people in the kitchen turned to her.

"Put those soda bottles down," Garcia ordered. "And let's all sit down for a moment."

A little stunned at her sudden authority, the order was carried out.

"Now, I'm not a profiler," Penelope started. "But I can tell when something affects my family and something big has affected all of us. So, I'll start. I organized this party because I needed to see you all. I needed to have something happy to think about because everything that happened that night has been ingrained in my mind and…"

JJ reached over and squeezed Garcia's arm.

"You're not the only one," Rossi said. "I jumped at this opportunity because I needed to see everyone in one piece. I needed to see everyone was alright. At least, physically."

Garcia looked up. "What about you, Spencer?"

Reid shifted in his seat. "Um, I...I don't know."

"We all have problems here at this table and we're friends so you can feel perfectly safe sharing." Garcia encouraged him.

Reid took a deep breath, it now or never he guessed. "I don't think I should be back on the team."

"What?" JJ exclaimed.

"I'm not ready," Spencer insisted. "I can't-I can't see correctly. I-I want to be back but I don't think I should be. If I had been faster, we could have gotten to Emily sooner."

"Reid," Emily touched his arm. "You can't blame yourself. What happened is what happened. I'm just glad you were there when you were."

Reid nodded but didn't look entirely convinced.

"JJ?" Penelope turned to the blonde.

JJ was quiet for a few seconds. "He gave me the front seat." She said finally. Everyone knew who she was talking about.

"JJ," Penelope put her hand in JJ's.

"He didn't deserve that." The blonde continued. "It should have been me."

"No," Emily immediately said. "No. It shouldn't have been anyone."

"He had a family," JJ didn't seem to have heard what Prentiss had said.

"So do you," Emily countered.

JJ shook her head. "Did you see Monica's face? When she saw Stephen's body and she said that she...that they'd be…."

"JJ," Rossi put a hand on the younger agent's shoulder. "It's not your fault. Stephen made a choice and events happened. It's not your fault."

JJ nodded almost robotically.

"Emily?" Garcia turned to the last member seated.

Prentiss sighed. "I know that Scratch is dead, I saw his body, and I know it was all a delusion but sometimes...sometimes it feels very real."

"We're here. We all are." Rossi said. "No one messes with this family and gets away with it."

"Wheels up," JJ murmured.

"Wheels up," Garcia agreed.

Emily smiled. "Wheels up."

Rossi nodded. "Wheels up."

"Wheels up," Reid repeated.

Penelope looked around the table. They weren't cured yet but at least they could start healing.


	2. Recovery

JJ loved her boys, she really did, but there was a part of her that was itching to be back in the field.

Part of her didn't know why she even wanted to go back though.

Most of her thoughts, both waking and sleeping, were with Stephen Walker. It was borderline obsession at this point but she couldn't help it; while she had finally come to peace (somewhat) about it not being her fault that Stephen at died, now she had to deal with a possibly even bigger issue: what if next time, it was her? What would happen to her kids? Will?

She'd told Will that she didn't want to give up her job and she didn't but there was still that lingering notion.

* * *

Emily was ready to work, work past every haunting image.

Back at the party, they'd talked about what was bothering them and it had helped. It had reminded her, and everyone else, that they were a team, as professionals and family.

But that didn't mean the thoughts were completely gone.

So she just kept repeating those two words, the words that had saved her.

Wheels up.

* * *

Looking back at every single day in his career, Rossi couldn't think of a day when he'd been so nervous to go back to work.

He loved his job, he did, but he never wanted to relieve that night again. Ever. Not in a million years (like he'd live that long; he wasn't being suicidal or pessimistic, he was just being realistic). Not if he was being tortured by an unsub. Not if a billion dollars was on the line.

He didn't want that to happen again.

Which was the exact reason why he wanted to get back to the office and out into the field.

He was going to stop insane killers like Scratch because no one, absolutely no one, deserved to go through that kind of experience.

* * *

Garcia was hesitant. She'd never been one for blood and gore and she always knew how dangerous the job was (Reid had been kidnapped and tortured, JJ had been kidnapped and tortured, Emily had "died" and then come back, and Hotch and Jack had gone into Witness Protection, to name a few) but this last case had really struck a cord.

All of her babies had disappeared in a second. And one hadn't come back. It wasn't like Emily and one day Stephen would come back. No, he was gone.

It was then that Garcia had realized just how easily her family could be snatched away from her.

And while she was determined never to let that happen again, she also never wanted to go back. She didn't want to sit back down in her chair and stare at that screen, the screen that told her that her family's signals were gone.

She was truly torn.

Of course, she thought, they all were.

* * *

Reid was coping. He hadn't known Stephen Walker very well at all but he did feel some sort of connection to him. Now as strongly as the others did but it was still there.

He still struggled with being back with the team. He wanted it so badly and yet...

And yet, he didn't want to be the cause of someone else's pain. Or even someone's death.

And he certainly didn't want to let down his team, his family.

So he talked with his family about how he felt, how things were going. He even started doing crosswords and other logic games to exercise his brain.

If he was going back, he was going to go back the better than when he'd left.

* * *

Life began returning to normal (or as normal as you could get with a job like theirs) as they fell back into step with cases.

Slowly but surely, like the tortoise during the race, the cuts began to close, to heal, leaving behind scars. Scars that were still there, yes, but scars that made them stronger, helped them further remember the important things.

Emily still dreamed about those metal rods and Scratch, but she knew that was in the past and right now, her family was helping her through the present.

Garcia would never forget that night, those feelings, those things she saw that she never wanted to see again. And she never forgot the strength of family, the strength of her family and the special bond and love they all shared.

Rossi would always recall that horrifying moment when a family member went missing and another had died. But he chose to remember the good things, those memories when things were alright. He didn't live too much in the past, just enough to remember and be grateful for the time spent with his family. He'd never taken it for granted but now he truly cherished it.

Reid was still fighting. He knew it would take time. He'd experienced after the Henkel case and the aftermath of JJ's abduction and torture. He knew that. And he knew he wasn't in it alone. As an agent, he was trained to be in control, they all were. But with his family, he could be as vulnerable as ever and they'd be there. And that's what mattered.

JJ had done a lot of thinking before returning to work. In between spending time with her boys, she'd really gotten down to it. Life was precious and that was ingrained into her deeper than it ever had before. Sure, she'd nearly died when she was abducted and tortured but this was different. How was it different, she couldn't quite explain to an exact point, it just was. And it was hard. But it was just another obstacle that had to be overcome. That memory would never be truly gone. Stephen had only been with them for a short time so JJ hadn't grown as close to him as she was with Spencer or Emily or Penelope. But now she felt she had a duty, a duty to protect his memory, to do good by Stephen Walker. And if Jennifer Jareau was good at anything, it was getting a job done. Stephen had died and she had lived. It was still painful at times but now it was less of a jab in the gut and more of a push in the back to go that extra mile.

They say the hardest things are the things really worth doing.

Maybe that's right, maybe that's wrong, you decide, but for our agents, it wasn't just doing the hard things that were worth it.

No.

It was experiencing and persevering through the hardest of times and coming out stronger in the end.

As Hotch, and now Emily, said, "Wheels up."


End file.
